As a young adult, I have found it important that food unites my family at a scheduled time simply because I get to have a chance to connect with them even though, I sacrifice that valuable time because of my education.
Your thesis here is clearer than the last version and pretty straightforward. You do have a little repetitiveness with the "unites" and "connects" that you can work on making concise. There are a few grammar hiccups, too; you don't need the comma after 'even though'.
I look forward to seeing how you can talk about the ways food allows you make that connection. The one worry I have is that you overly define it as "simply because" instead of allowing the "unites my family" to have more ways food can unite your family. I fear you will have issues developing that idea into multiple body paragraphs without getting redundant. My suggestion: open that phrase "simply because" up to a new phrase that is more inclusive about how food can unite you and your family as you make sacrifices that keep you away from them.
Emely,
ReplyDeleteYour thesis here is clearer than the last version and pretty straightforward. You do have a little repetitiveness with the "unites" and "connects" that you can work on making concise. There are a few grammar hiccups, too; you don't need the comma after 'even though'.
I look forward to seeing how you can talk about the ways food allows you make that connection. The one worry I have is that you overly define it as "simply because" instead of allowing the "unites my family" to have more ways food can unite your family. I fear you will have issues developing that idea into multiple body paragraphs without getting redundant. My suggestion: open that phrase "simply because" up to a new phrase that is more inclusive about how food can unite you and your family as you make sacrifices that keep you away from them.
Grade: 9/10
Professor A.